he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
