dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
