Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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