3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
