i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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