Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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