just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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