she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
