I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
