I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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