Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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