Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
