i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
