I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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