She's JV to your varsity
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
