Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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