Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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