I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
