i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
