I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Blow job season was short but glorious.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
