I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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