this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
