So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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