if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm passing your future prison.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
