the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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