Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
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btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
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In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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