Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
