Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
