she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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