What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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