i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
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I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
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You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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