So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
