Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
