I just saw a hot homeless man
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
