Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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