There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
