just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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