I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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