I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
