So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Randomize
