walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
