I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
