why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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