I accidentally burped into my bong.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
