Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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