So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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