Banned from zoo.
Again?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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