Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
