My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
