You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
