who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
