Your mouth is God's brothel.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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