I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
