she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
