I faked an abortion last night.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
