When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
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