Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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